Vani’s Musings

Facing Demons

Posted on: October 20, 2008

This was one visit I had been avoiding for the last six months…….I had dreaded visiting Sanjaynagar ever since we decided to permanently move from there, because of the utter grief I had experienced when we had taken the plunge to move. We had lived there for a quarter of a century and it was a part of our identity. I felt that a little bit of me had stayed back, while the remaining had moved on, saying, “This phase of life is over, it’s time to start afresh”.  I had been successful in not going there at all for all this time.

 

But then, it was time for me to actually face my demons, because a very dear friend of mine, R, who lives in the US, had come home to India, and yes, she too lived in Sanjaynagar before she got married and relocated there. R was quite concerned actually, knowing me, and wanted to know if she could come over to where I am, but I decided that I needed to make that particular journey and told her I’d go over to see her.

 

On one hand, I was very anxious to meet R whom I had not seen for the past couple of years, and the mail exchanges between us had become almost nil, but on the other, my mind started making excuses about why I must not go there, like R being not at home when I visited, the now on now off rains, all were making me think if I should actually go at all, if I could postpone it for some more time and things like that. It was Amma’s insistence and the thought that R was leaving in a week that gave me the courage to go there.

 

Through the whole journey, I saw myself trying to see if anything had changed, and was looking for some familiar thing or face, and yes, all of it was so familiar, I was feeling like I had not moved out of there at all. But I’m still not able to go anywhere near my old house. That’s something that will take a little more time, I feel. I had a good time with R, and everything was fine till the time I had to get back here, and it was then that the whole grieving process began to show up again. I had to come back home, and as the rickshaw started moving away from the area that was so familiar that it was actually me, I felt torn yet again, and the hurt and pain I had experienced six months ago came back, though less intensively. But I’m still wondering if six months away from a place is not enough for us to go back there without attaching any emotional significance to it. Why did I have to feel so disturbed about a short visit, though I very well knew that my life there was over? I’m clueless.

 

 

 

 

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3 Responses to "Facing Demons"

Vani, I think the grieving is more for the memories from a certain place… Than the ‘place’ as such…

When we leave something behind we associate a few last memories which are unpleasant. And when we are able to finally move past the unpleasantness of having left behind the familiar, the memories of good and better times invade us… And thats when the grief hits us hard…

Think of it with fondness… The memories and the experiences you have had @ Sanjaynagar have made you into ‘U’…

And once we come face to face with our demons for the first time, they don’t look all too threatening ever again 🙂

– Diya

EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENT IS OK BUT U SHOULD NOT BE SO SCARY WHAT IS WRONG IN IT U LOR YOUR FAMILY HAVE MOVED FOR A REASON WHICH U KNOW. BETTER VISIT 3/4 TIMES AND GO NEAR YOUR HOUSE TOO WITH SOME FRIEND OR OTHERS AND COME OUT OF THIS. MORE U STAY AWAY MORE U GET EMOTIONAL. IT IS GOOD YOUR FRIEND FROM US CAME AND MADE U TO GO TO SNAGAR. I SUGGEST U GO ON WEEKLY BASIS FOR THE TIME BEING NOW AN THEN AND SLOWLY COME OUT

LAST PARA OF DIYA’S COMMENT ALSO IS VERY VALID

HAVE A GREAT WEEK AND FINE TIME IN YOUR NEW PLACE
PRANESH

I havent experienced any such thing so can’t comment on it.
I thought you moved for good and you were very happy for the new home etc.,

This reminded me the sequence of bidaayi after my wedding, though I have been ‘sent off’ by my parents/siblings so many times, that particular send off was too different and unknowingly tears rolled down.. Till now, that has remained as a surprise because I generally don’t cry for any such small things!

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